💃 What Kind of Dance Are You Doing with Your Partner?
After nearly 200 marital and pre-marital counseling sessions, I’ve noticed a few common problems that plague relationships.
One of the biggest?
How couples communicate — or don’t communicate.
💬 When Love Exists but Communication Doesn’t
Many couples who genuinely love each other still have poor communication and conflict-resolution skills.
If couples cannot communicate, they cannot solve their problems.
Good communication skills are the foundation for good conflict-resolution skills.
I use the most common marriage and pre-marriage inventory in America: Prepare–Enrich.
This inventory provides objective insights into the relationship and serves as a roadmap for the counseling process.
One pattern I see again and again is this:
👉 When one partner scores love in assertiveness, that person usually scores high in avoidance. Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings and ask for what one wants. This is positive. Avoidance is the tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal with issues directly. This is negative.
There are many reasons a person may be reluctant to express feelings are ask for what one wants. They may have been shut down by their partner. They may have been wounded or belittled. They may think their partner should know what their needs are and should not have to ask. Even in a marriage, some people are afraid of being vulnerable and being rejected, so they do not ask for what they want or need in the relationship.
If the person is not assertive, typically, they are high in avoidance. Not only is this person not initiating communication when they need to be, but when their partner brings an issue to them, they do a poor job of responding. Listening skills are poor. Eye contact is minimal. Body language says, “This is not important to me.” When there is a response, what was brought to their attention is met with sarcasm, an argumentative spirit, and sometimes no response at all. When the person continues to pursue the issue, conflict may erupt, causing the person to see his spouse and trying to control the relationship.
Thought it does not happen in every relationship, it is not unusual for a person that is low in assertiveness to see his/her partner as average or high in partner dominance.
⚖️ What Is Partner Dominance?
Partner dominance occurs when one person believes their partner seeks to control and influence decisions, communication, and emotional dynamics — often at the expense of mutual respect, equality, or emotional safety.
🎭 Scenario: The Beach or the Mountains?
Alex and Cindy are discussing where to go for their summer vacation.
Cindy (dominant partner): “We’re going to the beach again this year. It’s closer, cheaper, and everyone likes it. I’ve already booked the condo.”
Alex (low in assertiveness): “Oh… I thought we might try the mountains this time, but I guess the beach is fine.”
Cindy: “The mountains are too far, and it’s not practical. The kids like the beach. Trust me, this is best for everyone.”
What’s Really Happening
Cindy decides unilaterally—justifying it as practical and family-centered.
Alex’s input is dismissed without discussion.
On the surface, it looks efficient, but underneath it creates quiet resentment because Alex’s opinion doesn’t matter. Her decision is the only one that counts. She maintains the power in this decision instead of the two of them having a real discussion and coming to a mutual decision.
At first glance, this might not seem like a big deal. But because Alex dislikes conflict, he complies. He suppresses his personal preferences to keep the peace. Unfortunately, this angers him and the anger will come out later in the way he talks to his wife, or doesn’t. It may come out in passive agressive behavior, or he may bring it up in a future arguement.
Over time, the cumulative effect takes its toll. Alex learns that his voice doesn’t matter. He feels disrespected. Anger simmers beneath the surface. Distance develops as he feels invisible and unheard.
Because Alex is not assertive, his wife does not know what he needs from her, so she does not change the way she makes decisions and Alex sees her as being dominant. The more Alex withdraws and avoids her, the more confused she becomes about what is wrong with their relationship. This is not the dance that creates intimacy.
Their conflict-resolution skills are minimal because their communication skills are minimal.
Alex avoids conflict by withdrawing emotionally and physically. Cindy continutes to make decisions without consulting or involving her husband because she doesn’t think he wants to be involved or because it’s just easier. It’s less painful because when she involves him, she gets wounded. Problems go unsolved.
🩰 Learning a New Dance
So, how do couples learn a new dance?
Both Alex and Cindy must learn to be assertive and both must learn how to must how to actively listent to each other.
Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, needs, and boundaries honestly, directly, and respectfully. Telling your partner what you need or don’t need is being assertive.
An assertive person also must listen and value their partner’s perspective.
Active listening involves being fully present, listening with your ears, eyes, and your body. You are fully engaged and then, once your partner is finished sharing you much share back with your partner a summary of what you heard him/her say.
When two people love each other, they must value each other’s thoughts, ideas, suggestions, and ways of solving problems. A healthy relationship involves compromise and mutual respect.
It’s not about being king or queen of the house.
It’s not about who is right and who is wrong.
It’s about being respected and giving respect. It’s about showing kindness. It’s about listening — not just to words, but to tone, body language, and spirit. It’s about living out the Golden Rule in your marriage.
❤️ When Two People Are Assertive
When both partners are assertive, each takes responsibility for communicating their needs.
They no longer have to guess how to love each other — they know how the other wants to be loved.
Meeting those needs builds intimacy and trust.
Both feel safe, respected, and valued. Conflict decreases, and when it arises, couples know how to express themselves and listen well. The pain often associated with conflict is minimized.
💡 This is the dance that makes relationships last.
✝️ The Biblical Dance
Many pastors quote various parts of Ephesians 5 to describe how husbands and wives should relate, but they often skip the most important verse:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” — Ephesians 5:21
Neither partner bears more responsibility than the other for being assertive or listening.
When only one person speaks up, or only one listens, communication breaks down. Conflict grows. One partner becomes dominant. That’s not a healthy dance.
When both partners submit, both are contributing and practicing the skills that sustain love.
They understand Christ’s commands — to forgive, sacrifice, offer grace, show mercy, and love unconditionally.
✨ That’s a beautiful dance.