A Blueprint for Christian Marriage
I once watched a sack race at a church picnic.
You’ve probably seen one. Two are in one sack together and they have to hop to a finish line.
At first, it’s usually a mess. One person moves too fast. The other goes in a different direction. They stumble, pull against each other, lose their balance, and sometimes end up flat on the grass.
But occasionally, a pair figures it out.
They stop trying to run the race as individuals. They listen. They adjust. They begin moving with each other and not against each other.
That’s a pretty good picture of marriage.
Marriage is not simply two people living in the same house. It is certainly not two people competing for control. It is two people learning how to move through life together.
That requires more than romantic love. It requires humility, patience, sacrifice, and the willingness to ask not only, “What do I want?” but also, “What is best for us?”
That is where Paul takes us in Ephesians 5.
Start With Verse 21
Discussions about Christian marriage often begin with Paul’s words, “Wives, submit to your husbands.”
But Paul actually begins this section with a command addressed to everyone:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
That verse changes the tone of everything that follows.
The question is no longer, “Who gets to be in charge?”
A much better question is, “How can we love one another in a Christlike way?”
Christian marriage should not be a struggle for power. It should not resemble a dictatorship where one person always gets the final word. When husbands and wives constantly try to win, eventually the marriage loses.
You can win an argument and damage a relationship.
You can prove your point and wound the person you love.
You can establish your authority and lose intimacy.
Paul offers another way: submit to one another.
Sometimes I surrender my preference because your need is greater. Sometimes you listen to me because I may see something you don’t see. Sometimes one spouse leads, and sometimes the other does.
And sometimes both need to stop and pray because neither knows what to do.
For Christians, neither spouse gets the ultimate final word.
Christ does.
Jesus Redefined Leadership
Our culture often associates leadership with power: getting your way, making decisions, and convincing others to follow.
Jesus turned that understanding upside down.
He had all authority, yet he washed his disciples’ feet. He chose a towel and basin rather than a throne.
So, when Paul tells husbands to love their wives “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” he is not giving husbands permission to dominate. He is giving them an enormous responsibility.
Christian leadership asks:
What can I sacrifice?
How can I listen?
How can I protect my spouse’s dignity?
How can I encourage the person I love?
How can I help my spouse flourish?
Anyone can demand obedience.
Jesus chose sacrificial love.
Your Spouse Is Not the Opposition
Think back for a moment to the days of courtship. We listen. We make time. We show consideration. We drive across town just to spend a few minutes together.
Then people marry, and the stresses and demands of life begin turning those habits that attracted us to each other and we can easily slip into habits that focus on ourselves. Selfishness increases and intimacy decreases.
Paul gave us the goal of an ideal marriage:
“The two will become one flesh.”
Your spouse is not the opposition.
Your spouse is not the competition.
Your spouse is not somebody you defeat.
If your spouse hurts, the marriage hurts. If your spouse flourishes, the marriage flourishes.
Marriage is not two people fighting over who gets the control.
It is two people learning how to meet each other’s needs and serve the other with the love of Jesus.
Submit to Christ First
This means that both husband and wife must learn submission and that submission begins with submission to Christ.
Before asking whether our spouse is doing what he or she should be doing, perhaps we should ask a few questions about ourselves.
Am I following Christ?
Before criticizing my spouse’s attitude: What is my attitude?
Before demanding that my spouse change: What needs to change in me?
Before saying, “Why won’t she listen to me?” perhaps I should ask, “Am I listening to God?”
Before saying, “Why doesn’t he understand?” perhaps I should ask, “Have I really tried to understand him?”
Healthy marriages contain sentences such as:
“I could be wrong.”
“Help me understand.”
“What do you think?”
“What am I missing?”
“Let’s pray about this.”
“This is what I need from you?”
That kind of humility becomes possible when our greatest concern is no longer proving ourselves right but following Jesus faithfully.
The Freedom of Serving One Another
One of the great paradoxes of Christianity is that the way up is down.
The first become last.
The greatest become servants.
We find life by giving it away.
Something similar happens in marriage. We discover freedom when we stop obsessing over getting our own way.
Imagine a husband and wife waking up each morning thinking:
“How can I make your life better today?”
Imagine both praying:
“Lord, help me love this person the way Christ loves me.”
A marriage shaped by that prayer has room for love, respect, humility, sacrifice, forgiveness, and grace.
Marriage will never be effortless. We all marry imperfect people—every spouse brings an imperfect person into the marriage.
But perhaps our marriages would change if we stopped waiting for the other person to surrender.
Quit keeping score.
Quit trying to win.
Quit demanding your way.
Instead, begin with this prayer:
Lord, change me.
Teach me to listen.
Teach me to serve.
Teach me to love.
Help me show the person I married the same grace you have shown me.
Two people moving through life together will occasionally get out of step. They may stumble. They may pull in opposite directions.
But when both are willing to listen, adjust, forgive, and surrender themselves to Christ, they can find their rhythm again.
And together, they can keep moving forward.
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